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Note: This post mentions issues having to do with sexual abuse, disordered eating, and serious issues surrounding depression. No specifics are mentioned, but the topics are discussed. If you're a follower of mine on social media or even of this blog, you know that I'm a huge Whovian (fan of Doctor Who). My day job even revolves around doing social media work for a small business and a convention centered around the long-running sci-fi show. Doctor Who has been a major part of my life since the premiere of the New Series on U.S. screens in 2006. I jumped in at the deep end, consuming both the first and second seasons simultaneously, reading and researching everything I could find online about the history of the show, and even finding Classic Series episodes that had been uploaded to a very young YouTube. The premiere of the New Series of the show opened with the beginning journeys of the Ninth Doctor, played by actor Christopher Eccleston. His Doctor was strong, succinct - even brash at times - but also carried a warmness to him that cannot be easily explained. From the moment he urges companion Rose Tyler (actress and former singer Billie Piper) to "run for your life" and away from life-threatening danger, I was hooked.
Christopher Eccleston only starred as the Doctor for one season of the show before he was replaced by Tenth Doctor David Tennant. (The show's answer to recasting their main actor is that the character is part of an alien race that is able to change their appearance upon dying. This is a process called regeneration.) Because of the Ninth Doctor's charm and the fact that he was the first actor to star in the role for many years, fans were devastated when Eccleston departed so quickly. In the years since he left the show, rumors have circulated regarding the reason this occurred. Over the weekend, Eccleston appeared at the Portland convention Rose City Comic Con. This was his first U.S. appearance at a convention of this type to date. A part of this appearance was a panel attended by many Whovians. Inevitably, the topic of leaving the series so abruptly came up in conversation during his panel. Stunningly, Eccleston revealed that he suffered from anorexia, depression, and suicidal ideation during and immediately following his departure from Doctor Who. I was floored when I found out. You can read Eccleston's words about his mental health struggles here.
This information struck me so strongly for two reasons - one for being proud of an individual I idolized for being so open and forward regarding their struggles with these issues, and the second being the fact I became attached to the Doctor Who fandom so quickly and strongly because of my own struggles with mental health.
I was 16 years old when I was introduced to the world of Doctor Who. (In fairness, I did know about the show earlier in life, but I was never able to watch it unlike other older sci-fi shows I'm a fan of. Young me quickly forgot about it until the New Series debut.) I was in the midst of processing heavy personal issues. I was just beginning to realize the history of my sexual trauma. I was currently living in an environment with an abusive and alcoholic caregiver. No adult outside my family saw what was happening to me. No one wanted to help. Then, the Doctor reached out his hand and said "run". My stomach turned over. Something hot blossomed in my chest. This was a weird brand of compassion that touched me like nothing else at the time.
I could go on about why television shows, movies, and other fandoms provide appropriate and healthy escapism in life. (In fact, I wrote my thesis about this back in college!) For now, I'll limit myself. I know why Doctor Who felt like the perfect distraction at this time in my life. The Doctor was the ideal mentor figure for 16 year old me - male, older, a little off, charming, spoke with confidence, let his companions make their own choices, tried his best to save others - sometimes, severely, at his own expense. He wanted to help. I would have loved someone in my life who wanted to help. I filled that void with the Doctor. My curiosity and attachment to the universe of Who quickly grew to obsession. I needed to know everything about the show. I read and wrote fanfiction. I tried to educate myself about the history of the fandom. I attended my first Doctor Who convention - the same one which I now do work for. I built my first ever cosplays around the fandom. Now, I enjoy Doctor who from a perspective of admiration and interest - much like how others consume their own favorite TV shows. I idolize the current Doctor (number Thirteen played by Jodie Whittaker), a character I can now portray as my own gender for the first time in history instead of building femme versions of the title character. It has been quite the ride! After all of this, you might be able to see why my first Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, revealing his struggles with mental health impacted me so strongly. Throughout my journey in the Doctor Who fandom, I will never forget what it has done for me. The show made a frightened and unsure 16 year old girl find a sense of security that existed nowhere else in the world at the time. I have such compassion for Eccleston, especially in this moment when the world is just beginning to find out about his personal difficulties because I certainly can't say I don't relate. **If you're struggling with mental health, please do not hesitate to get in touch with these resources.**